When you aren't looking, you shall find

I went to the mall the other day. I try to avoid going to resist temptation. It is a gorgeous day out and knew the next couple of days were suppose to be stormy. (freezing rain, blowing snow)

My intention was to buy a new handbag. I have been looking for months already and I am quite withdrawn. I have an obsession that I have wrangled in. The deal is one handbag a season and if I find more then one I have to sell/give away one, which is hard however keeps only 4 handbags in the closet at any given time (5 really, as one is a fancy gown handbag and the same deal applies). I now haven't had a new handbag since September. On the other hand, I feel good because the only handbags I found were really expensive and they didn't have a wow factor for me. Instead of just buying one anyways to fulfill the dire, I resisted the urge to spend money I don't have on something I don't really want. Yeah me!!

In a strange twist of fate, every store I went into had great stuff! I usually just try things on to suppress the urge to buy however today wasn't like that. It didn't help that most of the items I was looking at were on sale and fit perfect. I feel really good about the amount of quality items I brought home for the price I paid. They always say on 'What not to Wear' that you should shop in outfits and invest in key pieces. Since I moved I had let go of a lot of clothes that were still in good shape however didn't do anything for me. I want to have a closet of clothes that at any time I can pick an outfit and feel put together.

Depression, Indecision & Chocolate

All my life, these are the 3 things that have ailed me. Life is a cycle. Bad habits are a cycle. Breaking the cycle of the latter to create a new cycle in the first.

My depression causes me to be indecisive and a sure fix is chocolate. Of course this is a temporary fix. I think I could deal more with the depression if it didn't increase my indecision. It causes me to do a lot of self doubting in my decisions so therefor I don't chose to make any real decisions during this time. I like change and become bored easily so you can see how this doesn't work out for me.

Here is a regular day for me right now. I make coffee for the bread winner and he leaves. I check: all recently posted jobs on several sites, all my favorite ebay sellers, my favorite blogs(no these are not all listed on the sidebar). While doing that I watch: Regis & Kelly, Ellen, and the View. I do various other tasks throughout the day and then watch Without a Trace at 2. Pathetic huh? I think the only thing that has kept me sane is I get dressed by 10 and don't wear pjs all day.

The good news is I had a shock today while reading one of the job posts. I have been debating going back to school instead of just looking for another administrative/accounting position. Today I was reading quite a lovely post for an admin assistant for a great company and you know what my response was... I turned up my nose. I actually audibly gasped when I realized my response. It reminds me of that silly game they played in one episode of Friends. Phoebe was helping Joey decide on a route for his road trip and she asked him a number of random questions to bring his mind away from the topic and then threw in a related question. It is always surprising that your subconscious has already made decisions you are not aware of.

Now just comes the fear that presents itself when making a plunge forward to change. I love the fear, yet hate the fear. I think that is what attracts me to change.
Now praying there is room in the class starting in April, they accept me into the program and that the government wants to give me some money and not expect too much back in return.

Happy Valentine's Day

'Love is the only Gold'
~Alfred Lord Tennyson~

'Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own'
~Robert Heinlein~

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

~Unknown~

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

~Sam Keen~

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

~Dr. Seuss~

I'm not ready to make nice

I have loved this song for many reason since the first time I heard it. It has now won. It is reassuring to know there is an agreeably even though the reasons may vary. To be hurt and find the ability to forgive. That is great. That is unmeasurable. There is no time limit, just the ability and choice.

Being born with a defect, that illustrates a great amount of ability to forgive, to understand, to adapt, to realize that although the world judges; you should not feel judged.

To add: Lovin on Smokey Robinson and Lionel Richie for their performances!
Christina you have got it girl, soul and voice.

Artist/Band: Dixie Chicks
Lyrics for Song: Not Ready To Make Nice
Lyrics for Album: Taking The Long Way

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

In Consideration

Lacking any stimulating job leads after what feels like endless searching (yes, I realize it has only been 6wks) I am starting to contemplate another career choice. Throughout my life I have considered many different career paths however when I landed my last job I loved the people and the job seemed to work. So there was a little stress involved, okay a lot, however in some way I do consider the rewards it had to my experience. I think this helps me consider what else is out there as I think if I was completely satisfied with general administration and accounting then why wouldn't I just take the couple of courses I have been putting off for two years. Although I should mention I dislike paying money for education since I find hands on learning more successful. A book can't make you ready for dealing with dynamic situations.

What is my new idea of direction for my career, the medical field. Dental Assistant, or some other varied title of the same job description. I would prefer to be in Optical however it doesn't seem as easy to get into or maybe I just haven't found as many resources specific to that category. I like the idea of Dental as there is continued progress in forms of treatments, analysis and deals with clients.

So far this is just a thought mostly because 1) lack of money 2) still trying to figure out how much EI will cover if I chose to do this 3) am I just bored and as always new is exciting and same-old is boring